‘So you’re a zombie, huh? That must really be something…’

Meth is, I’ve just now read, a bad way to lose weight. Not because you don’t lose weight—you do—but because you’re, you know, a shell of a human being after getting hooked. Like one of those zombies from 28 Days Later, except rather than try to eat people, you try to score and smoke more meth.

Marijuana is equally ineffective, though that particular drug renders you more like one of those zombies from Night of the Living Dead—slow-moving, moany (or giggy, depending on the type of zombie we’re talking about here), and downright snacky. You can see how this isn’t terribly conducive to weight loss.

For my purposes, I would need a weight-loss narcotic that would make me more like a zombie from the MJ’s Thriller. Hot, super-dancy, a lady-killer (j’aime le double-entendre!), and with a life narrated by Vincent Price, who I believe is also, now, a zombie. A thin one.

In the last two months, I’ve gained about 6kg which is astonishingly bad. I’m about 13kg away from my target weight of 73kg (that’s 27lbs for you haters of the metric system). By February 14, I want to weigh 80kg (a baby-step goal for myself), a feat I believe is totally doable. I just need to hold myself to account, which is why I’m filling the rest of you in on this little goal of mine.

So, the next little while will be interesting. Through a combination of better eating and working out, I’m going to achieve my goals so I look like a fucking Adonis the next time I don my red cap and Speedos. I’ll post my weight every few days, beginning tomorrow.

Let the not eating hamburgers begin!